


Correspondence

by xanzpet (gleefulmusings)



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Bitchery, Character Bashing, Gen, Humor, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-31
Updated: 2012-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-02 19:10:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/372355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gleefulmusings/pseuds/xanzpet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spike forwards an email meme to Cordelia, Drusilla, and Anya. They answer in their inimitable fashions. He really should have known better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stupid Gay Meme Thingy

**Author's Note:**

> This is set post "Not Fade Away." The comics are disregarded.

_The ill-bred, whiny, albino pseudo-vampire had the audacity to darken my inbox with his pointless drivel. How the hell he got my email address is beyond me because, supposedly, the Higher Being intranet is impenetrable._

_Hm. I believe the Red Menace and her hacking, chewed-to-the-quick fingers are responsible for this. I'm looking into legal action. Why the hell did I kill Lilah again? Do you know how hard it is to find a truly evil lawyer around here?_

_Newsflash: IT'S NOT EASY._

_Oh, I mean, um, why did that nasty bug thing have to kill Lilah while it was possessing my body? Right!_

_Whatever, since I was a cheerleader and still have team spirit, I've decided to play along and class up this nonsense. That, and I have nothing better to do. Being a Higher Being is so _boring_._

_BTW, Spike? You're a slut. At least that cougar Darla got paid for what you give away for free, you dipstick._

_  
_

* * *

 

**1\. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.**

Well, that would depend on the purse, wouldn't it? Duh. Can you hear me rolling my eyes? My Birkin bag is fully stocked with all of the essentials, including my Blackberry, most of the Kiehls line, my iPod, a spare set of earrings (because you never know when you might lose one in a demon fight), a stake or three, some holy water, and Tic-Tacs (because you never get a second chance to correct halitosis. Not that I would know anything about that.).

If I'm just carrying a clutch, probably my RAZR phone and some of the old business cards (for sentimental reasons, and just in case I need to give some loser beta male the wrong number). Regardless, I never leave home without Angel's black American Express.

Life might take Visa, but the afterlife has no preset limit, okay?

 

**2\. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?**

After I had that gross rebar removed and the stitches were all healed, I should have gone back to school and used it to beat the hell out of Firecrotch Rosenberg. How dare she put the moves on my boyfriend? You may be all-powerful witchy-poo now, biznatch, but when I get my hands around your throat, I'm gonna squeeze until your eyes are the size of banjos and they pop like ripe cherries.

Sabrina doesn't trump Higher Being, heifer.

 

**3\. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?**

Are you serious? Look at me! Why would I _ever_ want to be someone else? God, what a stupid question.

 

**4\. What do you like to do in your bathroom?**

Take long, luxurious bubble baths to soften further my already glistening and silky skin.

Um, and there's the mirror, of course, which gives thanks every day that some foresighted person hung it there.

 

**5\. Which was your best kiss ever?**

Whatever. It was with Xander, after the Prom, okay? Anya was off frightening that twerp Jonathan about all the things she could do to him if she still had that ugly necklace. Truthfully, she should have been glad Giles broke it, because big stones would just not look good on that turkey neck of hers. And Xander had bought me that beautiful dress, which looked totally fabulous on me, of course, and, well, yeah, okay, I kinda missed his lips. STFU.

 

**6\. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?**

Whatever the hell I want. The date can either get on board or get out.

You know, I really miss Dennis. He was so helpful at ejecting dates from the apartment in a wonderfully violent/comedic manner.

It sure would be nice if I knew at least one person with good taste in music. Xander and his twangy country, which just reminds me of Lindsey and his stupid hat and frayed jeans. Then there's Angel and Barry Manilow, two names which should never go together. As much as I love Lorne, thank heaven I don't have to listen to the best of Motown anymore. Harmony thought she was the lost Mouseketeer. Ask her to sing you her rendition of 'Genie in a Bottle'. It set off car alarms and caused birds to fly into buildings. I don't know what Buffy listens to, but I'm betting emo. Hey, wasn't there a band called Slayer? Yeah. They sucked, too.

BTW, how much fun was the Titney Spears meltdown? OMG!

 

**7\. Can you touch your toes?**

Now that I'm not carrying Rosemary's Baby, sure. I've always kept myself in excellent shape. Angel could really benefit from some hot yoga. Oh, but it might remind him of that pesky century he spent in hell. Whatever. We all have problems.

And Spike, who are you kidding? You've been poked more times than the Pillsbury Doughboy. Touch your toes? You can probably lock your ankles behind your head and suck your own oo-hoo. Not that I'm surprised.

Every dog can lick their own balls.

 

**8\. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?**

Xander and Doyle, for crimes against the fashion community and contributing to bad taste everywhere.

 

**9\. What is your biggest regret and why?**

I don't believe in regrets. I look at every experience as an opportunity for growth and to move even closer toward the perfection that is me.

Hm. Well, it makes sense in my head.

That said, I might regret not fighting harder for Xander. I _definitely_ might regret not clubbing Willow over the head like a baby seal until she barked for mercy. I kinda regret not telling Doyle before he died that he wasn't completely useless. And, yeah, I certainly regret believing that giant gray blob who tricked me into Ascending.

I'm gonna find your fat ass, Skip, and then I'll make you pray for death.

You know what? Fuck this noise. Next!

 

**10\. What is your kinkiest fantasy?**

Xander, Angel, a video camera, and me as the director. And if – oops! – Buffy and Willow should come in and see them going at it like two meth addicts fighting over the last crack pipe, that would just be a terrible shame, wouldn't it?

 

**11\. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?**

Please. I spent five years in Hollywood, and no one looks like they do in magazines or on screen. All the guys are total midgets with pocked skin and hair plugs, and most of the girls could double as emaciated concentration camp victims with giant honeydews strapped to their chests. It's all so gauche.

That doesn't mean, however, that if Matt Damon showed up at my house wearing a towel that he wouldn't be jumped faster than a virgin at a prison rodeo. Oh, and those cute boys who play the slutty brothers with the subtle gay incest subtext on that WB show. Or is it UPN? CW? Whatever. Some stupid acronym which no one knows or cares about.

 

**12\. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?**

I used to wear Angel's shirts, the silk ones. They made great nightgowns. And if he says there was peanut butter on them after they were returned, I don't know anything about it.

Stupid, cheap vampires who don't believe in dry cleaning.

 

**13\. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?**

No, but I'm not necessarily opposed to it. Lilah had great fashion sense, and Faith was hot. Totally evil and completely psychotic, but we're talking an incredible pair of hooters on that one.

 

**14\. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?**

What the hell is this shit? Spike! You totally made up these questions, didn't you? You perv. Why can't you just whack off, like Angel?

 

**15\. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?**

Sexually, no, but thanks to Buffy, and then Angel, I got tied up a lot by dorks wanting to sacrifice me or make me some demon's bride or whatever. It was so lame. And rope chafes! I guess silk scarves are an option, but they look much better with evening wear.

I'd much rather tie up other people, though. Like Lindsey.

I didn't type that!

STFU, Angel.

 

**16\. What is your favorite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?**

Hm. Queen C was more a title than a nickname, and it was well-deserved. And Doyle called me Princess, but since I was later made one on Pylea, that counts as a title, too. Xander called me 'Cor' a lot, which was okay, but I didn't much care for it because it's so unoriginal, which is actually really unlike Xander. Say what you want about that big-eared doofus, he's one of a kind.

Some random dipshit once called me 'Delia', but I put a stop to that with my fist through his teeth.

Xander also used to call me honey. I liked that. It was sweet. I don't miss him at all. Loser.

 

**17\. Where is the craziest place you've ever had sex?**

Oh, wow, you mean the whopping TWO WHOLE TIMES I actually got laid? In which I got knocked up with demon spawn? BOTH TIMES? The second time which happened while my body was possessed, with the boy I considered to be my own son? Fuck this question!

 

**18\. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?**

Ew. Don't think I don't know what this question means, but both.

I'm kettle corn. I satisfy all cravings.

 

**19\. What are your top 3 kinks?**

a. Money.

b. Merchandise discounts.

c. Gift bags/swag.

Oh. You mean sex kinks? Please. Just once I'd like to have an orgasm which wasn't self-induced.

 

**20\. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?**

Spike, I'm going to hunt you down and strangle you by your scrawny neck until your pointy face pops off its shoulders. No matter where you go, I'll find you. You can hide with Santa Claus at the North Pole, and I'll just strap snowshoes to my pumps and track you like caribou.

If you ever send me email me again, I'll lob off your testicles, bronze them, and make them into earrings for a poodle, you dizzy bitch.

 

 

My love to everyone! Who matters. Which is not most of you.

Huh.

I _so_ need to get a better circle of friends.

xoxo,

_Cordelia Chase,  
Partner, Angel Investigations,  
Princess of Pylea,  
Queen of Sunnydale (and environs),  
Higher Being_


	2. William's Questionnaire

_My naughty Spike sent me these prurient questions and asked for my answers. I am dreadfully sorry for my late reply, but I was rather busy with that lovely chaos demon. The tarty Seer once said she found antlers creepy, but that's only because she doesn't know how versatile they can be._

_  
_

* * *

 

**1\. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.**

A change of clothes for Miss Edith. She is quite misbehaved, you know. Always flashing her lollygaggles at any boy who passes. Grandmummy said that any boy you have to tart yourself up for undoubtedly has unremarkable manhood.

Daddy! Where is my Daddy? Daddy, show all the naughty little boys what manhood should be.

William, please release Daddy from the confines of your buttocks.

 

**2\. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?**

I have always wanted my own pet. William was like a pet, but I was never able to housetrain him properly. He was always sniffing about and spraying whatever caught his fancy. Daddy believes that I am not yet responsible enough to care for a pet, but I think he's wrong. Shh! Don't tell!

No, tell! He might punish me!

I have so much love to give. What I should really like is a kitten. Oh, yes! A cuddly, fluffy, nubile kitten. With shiny black hair and big brown eyes and long legs and a bushy tail. His face would be a poem.

Have you seen my Kitten? I fear he is lost! I know he is searching for me. Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Mummy's got some treats for you. Mummy loves your tender vittles, yes she does! Yes she does!

 

**3\. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?**

Oh, goodness no! I am already several people. I shan't think that I could do another justice! Although it might be fun to try!

Oh, how exciting! A visitor!

 

**4\. What do you like to do in your bathroom?**

I have always found white porcelain sinks so elegantly beautiful. More so after a bloodletting. The crimson swirls down the drain like Alice in Wonderland. Going, going, gone. Blood dries brown, you know, not red. How disappointing! Earth. Dirt. It's all dirt. Everything is so dirty! It's horrid. We're all just bugs, nattering about in the dirt. Have you any treacle tart? I quite like treacle tart. Isn't Nigella Lawson divine?

 

**5\. Which was your best kiss ever?**

Oh, well, you mustn't tell Daddy or my Spike, but that Watcher was simply delicious. I could have kissed him for hours and hours, especially on his nether regions! I was quite fortunate that Daddy didn't see that! So handsome, he was. All chiseled and cleft chins and dimples. Oh, when I kissed him, I could see that he would be a wonderful daddy, all violence and candy. Kiss and make up, now, pretty. Watcher had someone else in him, too, just like the bad Angel. A naughty boy from long ago waiting to be released. Daddy wanted inside Watcher, too, but he scratched his fingers on the tweed.

Silly Daddy.

 

**6\. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?**

Oooh! A date? Like a proper lady? How lovely! I adore gentlemen callers!

Oh, but what shall I wear? Grandmummy used to dress me. She had the most wonderful taste and she enjoyed cinching my corset. I have such excellent posture because of it, though it is exceedingly difficult to find whalebone nowadays. All of the civility has just been bred out of existence. It's all flying whirligigs and preachers with their pants down. They should wear proper cassocks so that they simply just have to lift up their robes for the altar boys. Belts are such a nuisance. I do enjoy a man of God, though, like that glorious man, the one who hurt my Kitten. Oh, his time will come. He'll be judged; we all will. Sustained!

Oh, yes, you asked about music. The singing of the stars, naturally! Or the screaming of a virgin. Both are holy.

 

**7\. Can you touch your toes?**

Why, yes! I can also eat them!

 

**8\. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?**

Oh, I don't care for metal restraints, thank you. They chafe so horribly. I love metal restraints! If I had a pair, I believe I would cuff that silly girl who thinks my William is hers and who also worships unicorns. What a strange obsession! Such fanciful creatures do not exist!

 

**9\. What is your biggest regret and why?**

I repent that I was not a better daughter and mother. Daddy and William left me all alone. Was I so terrible? I did my best, I promise you. Daddy broke me like Humpty Dumpty. Couldn't put the pieces back together again. Perhaps had I been able to fix the cracks, they would have stayed.

 

**10\. What is your kinkiest fantasy?**

I should like my Spike, my Daddy, and my Kitten to all drink from each other and teach that naughty Slayer a lesson she shan't soon forget! Boo! Hiss! Mean Slayer, taking what is not hers, even when she doesn't want it!

Worse, I think she tints her hair. How dreadful. In my day, a woman wore her own hair, or a lovely wig. None of this nonsense with chemicals. Smells like rotten eggs and sanitary napkins.

 

**11\. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?**

The Immortal is quite well known in our circles, you know. He's not much to look at, to be sure, but he does excel in the erotic arts. Grandmummy was always so ravenous, but he tired even her. I was a bit unsatisfied, but I held my tongue. I didn't fancy a second go. Still, at least I can say I climbed that mountain. Forded that stream, followed the rainbow and whatsit.

Didn't Mary Poppins make a wonderful nun? Of course, I would have been much better. Oh, but those children! Far too many children! I would have been such a wonderful mother. Whiskers on kittens are some of my favorite things! Have you seen my Kitten?

 

**12\. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?**

I sometimes pranced about in William's undershorts, for he liked to see me in them. I don't understand this fascination with viewing women in men's undergarments. It's entirely improper. Little girls should be little girls, and little boys should be little boys who love other little boys and their lovely mothers.

 

**13\. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?**

Grandmummy had such divine breasts. I do feel sorry that her disgusting little spawn never got to suckle them. Alas! It is entirely his fault for being human. He can't be my brother. Daddy is a proper sire. He doesn't sire mortals! It's not true, is it? But…if he is my brother, I should care for him like a proper sister, like that bad Slayer does for her shiny Key. Oh, I have a brother! I must instruct him in the ways of familial love as soon as possible. Daddy! Daddy, help me teach baby brother!

Ew, diapers.

 

**14\. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?**

What an odd question. Of course I have witnessed lovemaking between others, and I am so excited to welcome people into my bedchamber. It is a communal activity you know. But not Miss Edith! She is far too wanton. Oh, Daddy so did enjoy taking me from behind while forcing William to watch. I don't think William much cared for it, but he can be so sensitive about the silliest things. I once saw the bad Daddy making googly eyes at that saucy Seer. She is entirely too blunt for my tastes; rather cruel, in fact. She would make an excellent demon. I think I would enjoy eating her.

 

**15\. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?**

I believe I have answered already this question. Something about metal restraints, wasn't it? Daddy liked to tie me up, and it was always so much fun because I never knew when he would release me! Sometimes it would be weeks and weeks. I adore games! Sometimes I would bind William, but it was really for his own protection. He squirms so when he climaxes, I fretted that he might injure himself. And you really must tie up your lovers, otherwise they might run off! Oh, I must get some twine. Must keep Kitten on a tight leash! Kittens love to frolic and scamper about, all roly-poly.

 

**16\. What is your favourite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?**

William and Daddy had pet names for me which were quite lovely, but I should like to keep them to myself, thank you. This questionnaire is very personal, I'll have you know. Grandmummy called me horrible names, but it was only because she loved me so.

 

**17\. Where is the craziest place you've ever had sex?**

Oh, there are several! There was that delightful church nave where Daddy took me over and over as I watched the baby Jesus cry. William was rather excitable around railroad tracks and Chinese restaurants. Kitten used to have that lovely truck with the iceboxes. Brr! How enticing!

 

**18\. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?**

Popcorn? Oh, are we going to the fair? I love the fair! Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. All of those sweet little children collected in one place. I was always fond of buffets. You'll take me into the Tunnel of Love, won't you, Kitten? Daddy will be waiting for us, and we shall all together come inside my tunnel.

 

**19\. What are your top 3 kinks?**

I'm afraid I do not understand this question. It is impolite to compel a lady to choose.

 

**20\. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?**

I once ate a delightful young boy in a rather smart uniform, who told me I should be prepared for anything, so when I leave my lair, I do try to keep the essentials on hand. A lovely comb for my hair, because one never knows when one might get snared by twigs, leaves, and such. And I have quite a fetching necklace with removable stones strung on piano wire. And just a spoonful of sugar makes the blood that much sweeter.

 

* * *

 

_Thank you, William, for including me on your paper route. I so look forward to reading what the others have to say, when I have time. Of course, I already know, as the stars sang to me and told me what lurks in their hearts. Bad Daddy's responses will be late, as he is occupied with that sinfully delicious barrister and my Kitten. Oh, I must find some catnip!_

 

_Drusilla_


	3. Interview

_I don't know why Spike is harassing me with pointless questions. I have a life in this afterlife, you know, but whatever. I have a few minutes before my tee time with Joyce and Jesus, so I'll just shoot off some quick replies and then Spike can go back to annoying Angel, because Angel deserves to be annoyed, and no one is more annoying than Spike._

_Except for Willow. Destroyed the establishments of any proprietors lately?_

_You know, Xander rebuilt that whole shop at his own expense after the witch went all Second Crusade on Buffy's ass. Did she ever once thank him or offer to reimburse him? No. Did she ever think how many presents I had to forsake so that I might once again have a place of employment? Of course not! But I'm the selfish one? Sure._

_By the way, these questions are stupid and contain no more information than that which I've been telling people willingly for years._

 

* * *

 

**1\. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.**

Condoms. You can't rely on Xander for anything but orgasms. Oh, and jokes. And the occasional limerick. And not showing up to his wedding.

But I'm not bitter; I'm _pragmatic_.

 

**2\. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?**

I'm over eleven hundred years old, plebeian. I've done things you couldn't even possibly imagine, let alone name.

Oh, I understand. You're in search of ideas.

Well, you can forget it. You're not poaching _my_ memories and using them for the next trashy reality show. I can do that all on my own, thanks, and I'm a whiz at marketing.

 

**3\. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?**

Why? I'm the smartest person I know. When I want a new look, I just dye my hair. At least I admit it, though, unlike _some_ people.

Certain Slayers and vampires, for example.

 

**4\. What do you like to do in your bathroom?**

Watch someone else clean it.

 

**5\. Which was your best kiss ever?**

My first kiss with Xander, after the Prom.

It had been a while since I'd been kissed, and it was nice to refresh my technique with someone so well-trained. Cordelia's a bitch, but the woman has skills. I would sometimes call her the Xander Whisperer, but only when no one else was around. I'm not stupid.

 

**6\. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?**

Musical accompaniment during a date is a distraction. Nothing is more off-putting than when the other person begins singing along with Hannah Montana.

Trust me on this.

 

**7\. Can you touch your toes?**

Can you? I didn't think so. Spike, you're obnoxious.

Yes, I can touch my toes. I can also curse yours so that they swell to the size of colon polyps and burst when you shove them into your Doc Martens.

 

**8\. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?**

I would cuff Willow and Dawn to keep them away from Xander.

For that matter, I would also cuff Andrew to keep him away from Xander and Dawn; actually, to keep him away from everyone. Wheelchair fights aside, he's incredibly bothersome, although his cooking was above average.

 

**9\. What is your biggest regret and why?**

That I waited four years to tell off Buffy Summers. What the hell took me so long? It was way overdue and, of course, I was the only one not afraid of hurting her itty bitty feelings.

This world is very strange. Far too much time is wasted on political correctness, if you ask me. When someone's being an asshole, you should tell them. Really, you're just doing them a favor.

 

**10\. What is your kinkiest fantasy?**

A helpless Willow, Spike, and Buffy, naked and spread-eagled, tied to a bed. And then Cordelia, Riley, and I come in with a flat iron and a tub of heated tar…

 

**11\. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?**

You _would_ ask a groupie question, Spike.

I let Dracula cop a feel a few centuries ago, long before he came to Sunnydale. Really, what was Buffy's problem? He wasn't that attractive, and I really don't care for long hair on a man. If I wanted someone with girl hair, I'd be with a girl. Also, Transylvanians are not noted for their hygiene. Yuck.

 

**12\. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?**

I often wore Xander's shirts as nightgowns. Sometimes I wore them when I was cleaning the apartment. Sometimes I used them to _clean_ the apartment.

They were tragic anyway, so it's not like anything I did ruined them. They had passed their expiration date years before.

 

**13\. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?**

That is an avenue of sexuality which, rather regrettably, I have not yet explored. It's only a matter of time, however. Parts don't always have to interlock and tongues are very dexterous.

 

**14\. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?**

Are you talking about porn? Porn can be very exciting, both to participate in and to watch, provided you have the right partner (or partners) or audience.

Xander and I made a few movies which mysteriously disappeared from our laptop. Gee, who do we know that's a computer genius?

Yeah, it's a mystery.

 

**15\. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?**

Do you know me at all?

 

**16\. What is your favourite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?**

Everyone calls me something different. I must confess I have a weakness for my former demon titles. Something about being addressed as 'your liege' or 'most favored of D'Hoffryn' really gets a girl's juices going, if you understand my meaning. If you don't, you have my sincerest condolences.

 

**17\. Where is the craziest place you've ever had sex?**

Well, there was that time with Spike on one of the tables in the Magic Box. It needed a good polishing anyway. Giles thinks furniture maintenance is beneath him. British people are such snobs. Or maybe it's just British men. Or all men, for that matter.

And then there was that time with Xander on the kitchen floor in Buffy's house. Did you know Dawn was watching the whole time? She's not that innocent, you know, and she's wanted to bang Xander for years. No way were those memories artificial.

Hey, wait a minute. If Dawn's made from Buffy, and Dawn wants to bang Xander, doesn't that mean that _Buffy_ wants to bang Xander?

I knew it!

 

**18\. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?**

I guess that would depend on who's eating me.

 

**19\. What are your top 3 kinks?**

Money. Jewelry. Large penises.

I'm a simple girl.

 

**20\. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?**

Well, I already told you about the condoms. Generally, Xander can be counted on to bring lube in the rare cases I require it.

Hm. I wonder if it's telling that he can remember to bring lube but not condoms. In fact, he has a large and varied supply of lubricants.

I _so_ knew he banged Spike in that basement!

Spike! Listen up, you sexually ambivalent worm, I'm crossing over to the Higher Realms, grabbing Cordelia, and teleporting us down to Earth. When you die this time, we're going to make sure it's permanent. How could you do it with Xander while I was dating him? Why didn't you call me? I have cameras!

You bitch.

 

* * *

 

_Spike, don't waste my time again with these ridiculous surveys. I have important things to do in my service to the Powers._

_By the way, please advise Angel that I peeked in on his son, and he's incredibly gay, but not in the fun way that Xander sometimes is. Connor's emo gay, with layered clothing, wispy hair, a pouty lip, and a trendy eating disorder. He's like Buffy with less testosterone._

_Also, I jetted down to Hell to pay my respects to Darla. You'll be hearing from her soon. Live in fear._

_I wish you good commerce in the new year._

_Best,  
Anya_


End file.
